Boundaries: How to Say Yes to the Things That Really Matter and No to the Things That Don't
"I'm just a people-pleaser. That's how I've always been.""I feel so guilty if I tell someone NO.""I'm a YES person!"
Do any of the above phrases sound like you? Can you identify with the feeling of having your decisions out of your hands and dependent on what others are requesting/expecting from you?
I think we've all been there at one point or another, but it's not a place we want to linger too long or settle in as a habit.
So, how do we break out of the cycle of feeling spread too thin and unfocused? We set boundaries!
Wait!! Don't be scared...it's not as tricky as you think!
A boundary is simply a line that marks the limits of an area. (And, in case you didn't notice, we've all got limits!! LOL!!!) Here's the catch--Are you recognizing your limits BEFORE you reach them, or after you've already lost your cool and gotten completely off track?Think of it like a fenced in back yard. Why do we fence in our yard?
It gives our kids and pets a safe place to play.
It sets limits on who/what can come in AND out.
It provides freedom WITHIN the boundaries.
The HIGHLY VALUED items are protected with the limits and the DANGER is kept out!
There is a gate so that you can monitor what comes in and out of the yard.
Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.~Henry Cloud
Steps for Setting Up Your Boundaries(Or fencing in your backyard)
Identify your most important goals.(What are the boundaries of your property? What belongs to you and what belongs to your neighbor?)
Say YES to the things that align with your most important goals.(Take full responsibility for your entire yard. Do not leave a corner neglected and do not take responsibility for your neighbor's yard.)
Notice what things are distracting or DANGEROUS to your goals.(Are there children in the neighborhood that do not care for your property or children? Are strangers lurking around?)
Plan an exit strategy for those distractions that you've let seep in over time.(Maybe you've been trimming the neighbor's hedges, even though they are perfectly capable. It's time to set up a plan for putting that responsibility back where it belongs.)
And moving forward....Ask yourself if each obligation should be inside your fence or outside?
Please hear this note of encouragement--Setting boundaries does not have to happen all at once! There is definitely room and time for a gradual transition. Just start and you'll get the hang of it.
Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend have written the "textbook" on how to set boundaries in a healthy way.Want more support? The next course offered by my IMPACT Academy will be on Boundaries. We'll focus on how to set them at work, home, and with yourself. I'd love to walk with you on this journey of growth as you learn how to make the most of your time and energy with boundaries!