Get Out of Your Head!
Get Out of Your Head! - A Quick Start Guide
What does this phrase mean? How do you "get out of your head?"
Unfortunately, no one has come up with the technology that would allow us to connect our brains to a scripting machine to capture all our thoughts in a more digestible format. And I’m not sure we’d want that if we had it. Many of our thoughts are TRASH that should be brushed aside in search of better questions and answers. We’ll get to that in a future blog…
The purpose of this blog is to help you chart your way of “getting out of your head.”
To begin, I want to tell you a little about my journey in this very endeavor.
Let’s go back to the end of 2019, before Covid. Can you remember? I can. My marriage was in grave danger after six years of trying to control everything and everyone. My daughter had just turned four and I was in an OKAY job (not my favorite job), and we weren’t making enough money to save anything. So naturally I thought the answer was to blame my “lazy, inconsiderate” husband. After all, we were both hourly at that time and I was working 40+ hours a week, while he was “living it up,” working maybe 30-32 a week. Can you hear the judgment?
I added it up, and that eight hours a week would change a lot for us! I thought it, so it must be true. To “fix” this problem, among other behaviors I’m not proud of, I pressured him. Some call it nagging. I accused him of being selfish and lazy, none of which got the wanted results. I was essentially miserable and blaming him for my life, blaming him for why I was so unhappy. “If we had that missing money, things would look and feel different,” my thoughts twisted and turned in my head.
Aside from the money issues, he “didn’t care about his health” and I didn’t want to end up carrying the weight of both of us for the rest of our lives. More negative thoughts swirled. “Can’t he just DO SOMETHING, anything to make life better for us? Doesn’t he care about himself or his family?” (Ironically, I’m the one with ADHD and as of 6 months before publishing this blog, a life-sentenced autoimmune disease.)
What we think about expands. My thoughts were negative and that caused more negative thoughts to pile on. This lasted for a large part of the first six years of our marriage. We were exhausted.
The turning point came when we had a blow-up one evening and he told me to “GET A HOBBY!” Ouch! After the pain faded to anger and annoyance, that one statement caused a series of new thoughts about me. What if I was the problem? And if this is true, what if I could change my misery without asking him for a single thing? I’d be lying if I said these new thoughts weren’t partially because I wanted nothing to do with him after he said that. It really hurt. I was already so lonely and here he was telling me essentially to “bug off!” So, I did.
I began listening to podcasts, reading, and journaling. “Hello, hobby!” Consistency with journaling has always been a struggle. I tend to only do it when I’m upset, which only tells half the story. I wanted this time to be different, so I started by doing audio recordings and then I found a formula that I used as a journaling prompt. It was often initiated by negative thoughts, but with time, that changed.
This tool helped me get out of my head, save my marriage, and form the foundation for my coaching education. This marked the beginning of my self-coaching journey, leading me to become an ADHD coach.
The formula below has, years later, become so established in my thought process that it helps me PAUSE before impulsivity and overthinking take a front seat.
An example of how I find my ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) adapted from Brooke Castillo:
Download the tool with more examples here.
I feel the need to emphasize that this is ONLY an analysis too. It is not meant to “fix” your thoughts or squish the ANTs mid-formula. And, trying to replace a negative thought with a positive one isn't recommended either. Why is that?
Have you ever tried to uproot a deeply seeded negative belief or thought and quickly replace it with a happy one? If so, what happened? Ah, you know what happened.
If you haven't tried this, take a moment and try it. Find a thought. Now, what's the opposite of that thought? Do you believe the new thought?
The mind doesn't believe in new thoughts until change is evident. Only action toward a result can create change in both the body and the mind. Hence the phrase, "get out of your head."
When thinking without action, the brain's default mode network buries us in a cycle of overthinking, leading to exhaustion, overwhelm, anxiety, and burnout. An alternative strategy may be to ask myself how I want to feel and then identify actions to achieve that feeling. This strategy emphasizes the need to act decisively rather than getting trapped in endless mental battles. When we act decisively, we bring the mind or the central executive network on board.
Using this strategy, I can create a list of actions that align with the desired feeling to change the initial negative thought to a positive one. However, be careful not to get stuck in "planning mode." This is a common ADHD trap.
For instance, suppose I've identified negative thoughts leading to a feeling of insecurity and want to feel more confident. In that case, I might include the following actions:
sit up straight
take some deep breaths
go for a walk to promote mental and physical well-being
verbalize goals to a friend or write them out
These actions require movement. Without movement, change remains elusive. These actions help change my physiology and provide proof to the brain that I am taking steps toward making confidence more achievable. If I practice steps toward confidence, my brain will begin to believe I am confident.
Similarly, if I want to alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed by a messy house, I can jump into action and wash one dish or go to the store to buy dishwashing liquid.
These are good examples of "entry points" into action. In moments of overwhelm, it's crucial to have clear entry points, so write some down. If you find yourself overthinking entry points or task lists, try Mel Robbins' 5-second rule. Envision yourself as a rocket and count back from "5- 4-3-2-1 blast-off." Begin with your first entry point.
That's where we find the momentum, by getting out of our heads.
Ultimately, the statement that I cannot simply replace a negative thought with a positive one underscores the importance of taking action. Mood follows state. We cannot THINK our way into state change or motivation. Only action can create the neurochemicals necessary for both.
I invite you to use this tool any chance you get and contact me if you have questions.
Or you can book a free discovery call to learn more about coaching, group coaching, and workshops we have available.
P. S. - here is a list of the 9 Automatic Negative Thoughts modified from Dr. Daniel Amen:
1. All or Nothing Thinking: there is no grey, only black and white, and not maybe, only yes and no
2. Always Thinking: generalizing with words like always, never, every time, or everyone
3. Focus on the Negative: searching for or waiting for the negative, when plenty of positivity is present
4. Thinking with your Feelings: taking your thoughts and beliefs as fact (see the analysis tool above to kill this ANT)
5. Guilt Beating: using guilt to control behavior, words such as should, must, ought to, and have to, are common here
6. Labeling: name-calling (yourself or others), audibly or otherwise
7. Fortune-Telling: predicting negative future scenarios, without any real basis or facts to support them
8. Mind reading: feeling that you know what others are thinking (without asking) based on facial expressions, vibes, or other often misleading past experiences that shade the new experience in a negative light
9. Blame: taking no responsibility for your successes and/or failures
