The Expenses and Costs of ADHD Masking
Throughout my life, I've been told I'm too loud, too blunt, too bossy, too anxious, too emotional, too passionate, and too excitable, essentially, I'm TOO MUCH!
This caused me to mask for so much of my life that I'm now 43 and "finding myself" for what feels like the 10th time. If you feel this way, you may be masking too.
Below is a somewhat personal account of the expenses I paid through ADHD Masking and what it cost me in the end. If this is your first time reading about ADHD Masking, I highly recommend reviewing research data regarding each expense and cost below. It may just save your life. In the meantime, thank you for reading. I hope you find some comfort here.
If you are here in search of understanding to make a decision, I hope it offers you the clarity you desire to make that decision. Let’s start by defining ADHD Masking.
What is adhd masking?
In short, it is camouflaging to reduce shame and stigma. It’s a coping mechanism for living in the modern world.
Masking helps us develop strategies and shortcuts for working with our ADHD brains. However, the downsides or expenses far outweigh the upsides. Here are a few:
Expense #1: Being undiagnosed or misdiagnosed
In 1991, my mother had her first experience with this expense. Due to my keen ability to mask, the school didn't want to test me. I was a good, quiet, obedient kid who made straight A’s. I had none of the common characteristics of ADHD.
They didn’t notice me overcompensating for my lack of attention by bringing home stacks of books and homework every night. It was often about 30 minutes of work that took me three agonizing hours to finish. Through my foot tapping, pencil tapping, zoning out, and constant redirection, my mother and I were beyond exhausted. I thought I had to work hard to keep up, not that something was inherently wrong with me. The grit I built during that time was unreasonably expensive for us both.
It was only after my mother was relentless in her quest to find help that I was eventually diagnosed outside the public school system with inattentive ADHD (previously known as ADD) and anxiety. I now know, after meeting and helping hundreds of women in the "lost generation," I was lucky to have a mother who was as nurturing and connected as she was stubborn. She knew something was up when no one else could see it, including me.
My fate could have been the same as many misdiagnosed with bipolar, anxiety, depression, or borderline personality disorder. Or among those newly diagnosed in their 40s and beyond due to unknowingly masking their ADHD their entire lives until reaching a breaking point. This often happens after becoming a parent, getting completely burned out, or both. Diagnosed or not, our fates all seem similar. It’s the reason for this post.
Expense #2: Low Self-Esteem
I didn’t know my brain worked differently or had different strengths. I thought I was slower or worse at everything than everyone else, which meant I had to work harder to prove myself. After all, my brain repeated that story to me with the cruelest words no one should be subject to. The looks on faces around me told the same story because I was looking for that confirmation. Low self-esteem plagued me through adulthood, causing me to have body dysmorphia, bulimia, overwork, and undervalue everything I did. This leads me to the next expense, overcompensation via perfectionism.
Expense #3: Overcompensating with Perfectionism
The negative aspects of perfectionism are well-documented. Though you don’t have to have ADHD to be a perfectionist, the two often go hand-in-hand due to masking.
My drive to feel better by doing better contributed to my constant pursuit of perfection. After all, if I were perfect, my brain and everyone around me would have to accept me. There would be nothing to pick at.
Wrong, we can always find flaws and "throw dirt" on our accomplishments. The lack of working memory in a fully functional central executive network allows the default mode network of the brain (where fearful, negative thoughts are often conjured) to run roughshod.
With every "perfect" accomplishment came a dismissal and pursuit for more. It can be all-consuming. I compared myself to others constantly to "fix my mask." It wasn't just about how perfect I was; it was about how long things took, the external feedback I received or didn't receive, etc. I've learned that "perfect" doesn't exist, and searching for it, giving every ounce of energy I had to acquire it, is all at the expense of my well-being and those around me.
I’ve learned and am still learning to lean towards progress, not perfection. "Good enough for now" is a motto worth adopting. There are so many more benefits of living this way.
Expense #4: People pleasing and over-commitment
This expense isn’t exclusive to those of us with ADHD either, but it is pervasive in the community. It is perhaps a byproduct of some of the previous expenses mentioned. Low self-esteem and perfectionism can cause and increase the rate of people-pleasing and over-commitment. Our issues with time blindness (time optimism) and working memory also contribute. Like perfectionism, looking for external signals that we are “good” and "worthy" can lead to a dead-end and drastic disappointment in others and ourselves.
People-pleasing isn't always a bad thing. When it comes from a place of gratitude and genuine fulfillment, people-pleasing can be an asset. However, I must argue that THAT isn't people-pleasing at all. It's caring and showing
appreciation.
You can find the difference through awareness of your root motivation. If you are searching for positive external feedback or worthiness, specifically from someone you feel has a low view of you, it's probably people-pleasing.
Both showing gratitude and people-pleasing can lead to over-commitment. Over-promising and under-delivering can cancel out the benefits of gratitude; burying you deeper in your need to mask and "catch up."
This is a difficult habit to monitor and break. There are many stepping stones in the process. I won't discuss them here. Perhaps it's for another blog.
Bottom-line Costs of ADHD Masking
Let's talk about the bottom-line costs of the expenses above. Long-term overwhelm and burnout are on the rise for everyone, not just those of us diagnosed with ADHD. Masking does make us among the most vulnerable. As we already carry a heavy invisible load, the mentality of more that is so pervasive in America only quickens our breaking points. We may or may not heed the signs of impending burnout (the low cost) before we get the diagnosis of chronic (the medium cost) or fatal disease (the ultimate price).
Let me tell you about my personal experience with two out of three.
Cost #1: Long-term Overwhelm and Burnout
In a time of too much information and too much focus on productivity, it’s easy to hear echoes of people telling their burnout stories. And for every one of them, there is another who has no idea the road they are on “killing it” is likely leading them to the same fate.
This cost is also not just an ADHD thing. However, it is highly prevalent in our community, due to the additional burden of masking. We often have masked our entire lives and have little internal reference for what will make us well. We spend our whole lives trying to be neurotypical. We tend to think that's the better way to be, that NT folks are doing much more than us!
More often, those with neurodivergence are running circles around many neurotypicals, if not physically, certainly mentally. Not so fast, that isn't a compliment!
Overthinking alone can shorten our mental capacity to sleep or even function. In short, this happened to me in my corporate job. I finally landed a position with a title and salary that fit my capabilities and intelligence. I thought it was what I wanted, but no matter how well I did, my mask wouldn't let me feel safe. It was a never-ending stream of anxiety and over-thinking for three years.
It made me vulnerable to being pushed for more, feeding the thoughts that I would never really add up. This is the ADHD mask at its core. It became a permanent mask, the most dangerous kind. The long-term overwhelm and burnout from never lifting that mask at work or home led to my most menacing cost.
Cost #2: Chronic or Fatal Disease
They say, "Genetics load the gun, but the environment pulls the trigger." It's true, so much so that researchers are beginning to connect ADHD and many autoimmune diseases; I would wager that the stress of masking, among many other stressors, is part of the environment "they" reference.
You can't throw a stone without hitting someone with an autoimmune disease. I have Grave's Autoimmune Thyroid Disease. My genetics supported it by an increased likelihood of 21%, but guess who unknowingly pulled the trigger?
I had no idea thyroid disease ran rampant in my family, the health-conscious side, no less. I cannot say it would have changed my fate had I known because "it was never going to be me" until it was. I was chasing the dollar for my family’s security, and I have since lost it. Was it worth it? I think not, but I learned enough to write this warning for you.
Grave's Disease was breaking down my body (heart, muscle, bone) and mental capacity for nearly three years before we caught it. This was almost the exact amount of time I was at the most toxic, grueling corporate job of my life. I do not blame the job, I blame my lack of awareness and self-worth that would have had me take off my mask and stand tall in my power.
I'm lucky, it could have been worse. It could have been Cancer.
Conclusion (Call to Action)
In conclusion, do not wait to know yourself, love yourself, and find your people. You are not TOO MUCH! Think about it this way, if you are "A LOT," you are A LOT to lose. So don't lose yourself to fit in a box that can never contain you.
Bless the world with your creativity, wit, and out-of-the-box thinking. Bless it with your deep empathy and inner fight for justice. Bless it with your ability to solve problems and stay cool in emergencies.
